Complete disclosure: the past five weeks of my life have been chaotic and filled with lot's of emotional pain. I lost touch with myself and what made me happy and focused too much on what didn't.
On the surface I was angry and wanted to be somewhat vocally violent at people that were triggering me. It wasn't hatred or personal and I definitely wasn't going to act on my very irrational unplanned acts of romanticised violence but these feelings just didn't seem to be subsiding and it was affecting my relationships, well being and mental health. I don't think I have ever been so actively angry in my daily life ever and can now gladly say the storm has passed.
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Just like my passion of solving the Broadchurch mysteries I needed to get to the root of these feelings because I didn't want to live this way for another day.
Key word: RESENT
The weight that lifted when this word came to me mid diary scribble was immense, like I had been carrying around all my anger in the form of bricks in weak plastic shopping bags and they got heavier by the minute and the bags were breaking and all I could really do was collapse.
Resent in disguise acts like a firm talon grip on your shoulder that gradually becomes unyielding and eventually you adjust to the sensation and forget it's even there.
When this word jumped off the page at me it was as if the restraint was no longer there holding me captive, manipulating my power and reactions. Looking at it now it reeked of havoc and fueled me with a dangerous poison that I was getting far too used to tasting.
Resent is the act of rejecting acceptance of part of yourself.
I was not accepting of parts of myself and in return was resenting myself deeply. This is not a pretty thing to admit but I do not care anymore because part of my resent was actually the expectations of upholding a pretty face especially when I know majority of the time it is not.
It is resistance, a stagnant energy that will not allow you to move forwards or backwards. Like everything, it comes back to you and the accumulation of choices that you made that lead you to where you are.
To release yourself from this dormant state of anger you need to accept that you got yourself here and that it is okay because now you are going to break the cycle. Stopping or continuing the pattern takes energy either way so the choice is yours.
Resentment is not to be mistaken with hatred but it does sit agreeably with grudges, envy and in some cases jealousy. It's time to get on your hand and knees and pull out those weeds from the roots, it's ugly and taxing but happiness and content stems within and this you deserve.
What you feed will grow.
Big love, Delilah
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