Yesterday I retouched with something I really loved, being in the ocean. Despite it still feeling unnatural and out of bounds, I really forgot how delightful it really is and to reconnect fills my heart with such fondness.
I ADORE swimming and being in the water, it's magical and once I'm in I never want to leave but in saying that the ocean and other natural bodies of water definitely know how to make me uneasy at times. My father is completely comfortable with the ocean, in it as much as possible at any given chance. My mother however loves being near but only in knee deep and when very specific conditions are at play. I'd say I'm comfortably situated smack bang in the middle conflicted at times by the two. To jump off into the deep or to stay on the shore?
There are two major things that deter me from wanting to enter the ocean, mother nature with her spontaneous attitude and the living beings that inhabit the waterways.
Firstly, mother nature is bonkers. Like a wild woman with many lovers and no boundaries who does as she pleases when she pleases. When she's calm she can be gentle and enchanting but don't be surprised if the mood swings and now she'd prefer to go out partying. Beware also that she can't hold her drink, always has a little too much, get's a little to handsy, too close and too personal. This is how I believe the ocean behaves. No matter how prepared you can be she gon' do what she wants and that's fine, you do you boo. Respect.
Secondly, critters. I wasn't invited to join them at their tea party under the sea and in all honesty I'd rather not just show up unannounced. Can you imagine how rude of me that would be to just pop in like that? I am an animal lover of all kinds but I rarely feel the desires to get up close and personal with them especially if they live under the sea, can out swim me and have long pointy barbs attached to their bodies. Yeah nah... Thanks for the invite but unfortunately I can't make it to the tea and bickie gathering this Sunday. I'm sure you'll have a perfectly solid time without me though!
Maybe I haven't been ready to accept the ocean for what it really is, an uncontrollable force of extreme nature that can get too handsy and that's why I've kept my distance. Always has the distance been accompanied with a glimmer of optimism that one day I would return to it with ease. I will not be riding skyscraper waves or jumping into any body of water I see and yes I will still squirm when seaweed wraps around my ankle. These are all choices, but they're my choices and the biggest choice of all, I choose to not think or do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable. I choose not to concoct a worse case scenario in my mind if I wouldn't even dare let any fragment of it manifest. That kind of energy output is too powerful and could be put to better use.
Moral of the story is that I am in complete power of my actions, thoughts and emotions and swimming in the deep blue has given me a divine reminder of that. So I'll jump off into the deep when I want to and I'll stay on the shore when that suits me more. I didn't expect that going to the beach in what seems a spontaneous manner early one Summers morning would bring me an even deeper connection then I held before, but it has..
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